I went to see a show called, “The Music of Michael Jackson” on Saturday at the National Arts Centre. It was a show celebrating Michael Jackson, where the conductor rearranged his music in a different way to unite the orchestra and rock band with some guy who represented MJ as the singer and dancer. It was a great show. My friend and I both got student rush tickets – meaning we paid $12 each for seats that were normally sold for above $100. To top it off, we got seats in the box lodge – the best seats in the house. So we got there on time and in the box lodge, there are only two rows, two seats each. We were in the second row.
The people who were supposed to have the seats in front of us hadn’t arrived by the time the stage manager welcomed us and introduced the show. So seeing this as a great opportunity, I urged my friend to move up into the front row with me. Now we could see even better. I didn’t want to waste the nice seats in front of us, especially if the people weren’t going to come. So we took them. It was great. We were about two feet closer to the musicians and we could even hold onto the balcony and that’s next level. Sometime during the first half of the show, two people came into the box lodge and sat behind us. I looked back, and realized that they were probably the people who were supposed to be in the seats we were in but they came late.
During the intermission, my friend looked at me as if to say, “Um… shouldn’t we tell them we took their seats?” I shook my head and shrugged, “No, it’s rude of them to come late. Too bad”. To me, I didn’t do anything wrong. They came after the show started so those seats were fair game. They gave up the rights to those seats when they didn’t show up at 8pm. I am not moving. Plus, we’re shorter. If we switched seats, then we wouldn’t be able to see everything anymore. Their tall bodies and heads would be in the way and ruin the show for us (there were parts during the concert where we were standing, so we would have definitely been blocked). Even more, the people never said anything – they didn’t tap me on the shoulder to ask me if I took their seat by mistake (FYI - no, it was not a mistake). They didn’t do or say anything to show they were upset, so I refused to feel bad. If you don’t stand up for yourself then I’m not going to offer to move. If they asked, I would have moved. But they didn’t, so I had nothing to feel bad about – or so I thought.
After the show, my friend and I were walking to get some gelato and we talked about what happened. I kept giving her reasons as to why I didn’t feel bad and she kept telling me that she still felt wrong and bad about it. It’s funny because I knew she wouldn’t say anything to the people behind us because she’s shy. I think she expected me to do something about it – to return the seats to their rightful owners for that show.
I thought about it that night. Yes, part of me did feel bad and I knew that she was right. However, it felt good to have those front row seats in the box lodge. I was greedy. I already had a great deal in getting cheap tickets in one of the best seats, but when tempted with even better seats, I couldn’t resist. Then it hit me. Say I was shop lifting in a store and the owner saw me but didn’t say anything because I looked scary and they didn’t want to mess with me. If they let me leave their store with something that didn’t belong to me then I’m still a thief. It’s still wrong. So fine; I was wrong. I should have offered to give the seats back and if they were willing to let us short people enjoy the show then it would be okay.
It’s funny because my friend knows that I am a Christian and one time she asked me if it prevents me from doing what I want to do. I told her no – I don’t want to kill anybody, I don’t want to cheat, so everything’s cool. But she caught me stealing, so clearly something’s up. Being a Christian isn’t about being perfect. People look at us and criticize us for being hypocrites because we tell people they are wrong and point the finger when we also fall into sin. And that’s exactly why we need Jesus. If we were perfect, Christians wouldn’t need Jesus to die for our sins. We accept that Jesus died for our sins because we know that we are sinners. We do bad things all the time – just like how I stole those seats. I even got my friend to steal them with me, and took advantage of her timid-ness to keep those seats. I’m a bad influence. I manipulate my friends. So that’s why I need Jesus even more. I still sin. Even after knowing that Jesus died for me and his love is all I need for me to be happy, I still forget. I am still easily tempted by things that Satan knows is my kryptonite.
A friend I met at small group told me yesterday that people watch us. That’s part of why I was so afraid to let people know that I am a Christian. I was afraid that they would judge me and point out my flaws. I was afraid of finding out that I’m still a bad person, and even worse – I proclaim to be someone who wants to love others but I still do things that hurt. Once people know that I am a Christian, they will watch and point out the times I fall on my face. Then I will cry and they will say, “See. You are a hypocrite. See. You’re just as bad as I am”.
It is still true that my faith in Christ doesn’t mean I can't do what I want to do. I try my best to do what I think is right, but sometimes I fall too and listen to the evil voice that disguises itself in excuses. The consequence of this is that when I realize what I’ve done – then I am reminded that I am a sinner. Knowing that God still loves me is what brings me back to try and stop sinning - to be good again. I am sorry that I’m not perfect, that I let my God down and that I am not a “perfect Christian”. There is no such thing as a perfect Christian. We are all flawed.
Someone once told me this; when you point the finger at someone, there are always three pointing back at you.
--
This is for you: Thinking Shoes, by Braille - Lyrics here
This is for me: Exile Dial Tone, by Beautiful Eulogy - Lyrics here
Tablo, in Epik High’s latest album starts off his song “Amor Fati” (Love of Fate) with, “God doesn’t love me”. He is angry – angry at God. From the translation, annotation, and commentary on Youtube, it seems like he could be referring to the fact that he feels rejected by God because he is different from what society believes he should be like. I like this song because it reminds me that I have felt that way too.
In elementary school, I found that I got along better with the guys and preferred to play games with a tennis ball at our “ball wall” rather than run around playing “Red Rover” or whatever else the girls did. I was more interested in making my own Beyblade than talking about pink pants, and fixing things that broke than painting my nails or playing with Barbies. This was my weekday life, and I told myself I didn’t care what other people thought about me. Then the weekend would come, and things changed. I dreaded Sunday mornings. My mom would force me into a handmade dress and make me wear itchy stockings so I would be presentable at church. I hated that. I hated being a girl. I hated dressing up and pretending that I was someone I was not. I was not that kind of girl.
I grew up in the church, learning all the Bible stories and having people tell me that Jesus loves me. I believed that God existed and I would sing along with the other kids, sometimes singing lyrics that I didn’t truly believe. Jesus loves me? A perfect, loving God made me? Is this some kind of sick joke? Why would God make me a girl if he knew me? If he knew everything about me as the Sunday School teachers professed, why would he do this to me if he knew that I would prefer doing things the boys did? Sure, God was real, but he sure isn't good and doesn't love me. If he loves me – then maybe he isn’t all powerful because he made a mistake. If there was a line up for manufacturing defects in God’s people-making factory, I would be in that line.
Eventually, I realized that no amount of praying and hating God would change me into a boy. I decided to live my life and prove to God that I could be a boy. I could do what the boys did and there, God; I beat you. I tried really hard to make other people like me. I thought, maybe if I could get people to love me then God would love me too. I was a door mat, and I let people walk all over me. I wasn’t happy, I couldn’t meet my own needs, and in a search to find love and acceptance I became somebody else.
In high school, I took all the tech courses. I took this auto shop course, where we fix cars and learn about transportation technology. I was the only girl in my class. I think my classmates were surprised to see me, but that just fed me – I was proud to be there, proud to represent. Then I went to university to study engineering. Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t go into these courses and this field of study just to make a point and prove the world and God wrong. I really do enjoy figuring out how things work and connecting the dots between math, physics, and turning that into real life problem solving. I live off of that. The fact that it was against tradition, against societal male-female roles only supplemented my passion for engineering. That’s right, God. I’m going to be an engineer. What are you going to do about it? You can’t change me. Nobody can stop me.
Mind you, these were my background thoughts that floated up to surface every once in a while. I still believed that Jesus saved me from my sins, and that God existed and made me. I experienced other things that proved to me that God loved me, but there was still doubt, this one question he never answered. But after so many years of receiving no answers from God, the burning question in my heart faded to a glow.
So I moved out for school; I went out of town. One weekend I decided to go home and visit my family. I went to church on Sunday and there was a guest lady speaker who was talking about the roles of women in the church. I can’t remember exactly what she said (this was about 2 years ago) and I admit that I zoned out a couple times, but the essence of what I got from her sermon was that God loves us all equally, male and female. He made us the way we are for a purpose and there are no mistakes. So should I believe her? Something inside me did. I was thinking hard about what she said, the proof she gave, the cultural perspective of the people back then, and commentaries and studies people did. She is a scholar (has a Ph.D.) and the way she presented her message was very factual.
More than that, I felt conviction (in both senses; guilt and strong belief). Something inside me knew; this is the truth. This is the answer you’ve been looking for. At that moment, I realized how wrong I was. I realized my whole life, all 18 or 19 years - I had believed a lie. It’s not that God doesn’t love me. It’s that I don’t love me. I realized that God made me the way he wanted, and he put people in my life who supported me – that auto shop teacher for example, he was super nice and supportive, he was proud of me for being in that class. My family supported my decision to go into engineering, and my engineering class doesn’t discriminate against the females. God did all these things for me, and my response? I turned my back on him and gave him the middle finger. I realized that all along he was trying to show me love. It was just that I misunderstood and I refused to let him change me. I refused to believe that he was good, that he loved me because I believed the lie that Satan whispered into my heart. God didn’t make a mistake. That day, I realized that he made me the way I am and he loves me regardless of how I see myself.
I don't know what hardships and suffering you've gone through, or how you may feel about yourself, but listen to me when I say this - don't give up on love. Love doesn't give up. It didn't give up on me, it never did. Promise me that until you see for yourself and find the truth, you'll keep searching for that unconditional love God promises us.
The ending of Tablo’s song (the outro) goes like this, “Oh God, he doesn’t love me, I know, he doesn’t love me. Well, neither do I”.
---
This is the song, Amor Fati by Epik High in their new Shoebox album.
Side note: In verse 3 of the rap, Tablo asks if it's okay for a sin-less person to stone somebody. He is referring to Jesus, when he stopped people from stoning a woman who committed adultery. Stoning was the punishment for someone found guilty of adultery based on Old Testament laws. I think when Jesus said, "Let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone", he didn't mean for it to be that it's okay to stone somebody. His point was to let them know that they were all sinners. Nobody had the right to make a judgement call on whether or not the woman deserved to live. My understanding of the situation he refers to is that the only person who has the right to judge whether a person deserves to live or die is God - because he is sin-less. Read the story I'm referring to here.
This is a song called Surrender, by Beautiful Eulogy. I love their album, but I think this song best fits this post. Lyrics here.
Have you ever felt like you were separated from someone? Like... you should have them in your life but they're not there. And you feel something about it but then sometimes you don't think about them and don't care.
For example, I never really met my grandparents before they passed away. I actually only met one of them when he was aged and there was this language barrier and I only saw him for maybe two weeks one summer. I have heard my friends talk about their grandparents and the things they do together on the weekends, or after school. So I know that I am missing them in my life. My parents have talked about my grandparents, so I know about them. I know some of the things they did and have some idea of what their personality was like. But I don't actually know them. I don't have a relationship with them, no shared experiences, nothing. I don't even know what they look like. I've seen photos but I don't know all their expressions and I don't have a picture in my head when I think about them. And most days I don't miss them. There's nothing to miss, really... I never had anything to begin with right? So I don't know what I would be missing... other than perhaps a similar experience to that of what my friends talk about? I'm not quite sure what you're supposed to do with an old person anyway. Would we laugh together? Would they tell me exciting stories of their past? Would they give me advice about how to go about life and pass on some wisdom?
So I think about this. My grandparents and I, we've been separated by death. I'm not really sad. On a day to day basis, I feel fine. I can live life without them and I feel like any other human being. I don't even think about them until someone starts talking about their grandparents, or when family members talk about their past. But when I do think about my grandparents, I have this feeling inside me somewhere that is a little bit like an abyss. Just some dark empty space that provokes some sort of emotion in me. I'm not sure how to feel. Acceptance? That's all I can do now anyway. Life is life. People live, people die.
And I grow up learning that there is this God. That the first human beings (Adam and Eve) used to live with God, and they lived in a paradise of some sort, the Garden of Eden. They knew who God was - they had a relationship with him. They could talk to him, they could be with him. But then this thing happened where they were tempted by Satan and sinned, acting in disobedience to God. And since God is perfect - without sin (because he can't disobey himself) then he couldn't be with Adam and Eve any more. They had to be separated because of sin. So Adam and Eve were thrown out of the paradise and their children grew up in a world corrupted by sin.
They grow up away from God. Occasionally, someone would be able to talk to God. God would appear in a burning bush, or express his thoughts through dreams and the people who genuinely tried to find him did. They were able to converse with him through prayer, dreams, visions, and in other ways that weren't in as physical a sense as if it were you and I. And God would do things to show that he loves and cares about his people by doing miracles like parting the Red Sea, or bringing plagues to captors, and giving people the strength and courage to accomplish things like freeing their people, or winning a battle. All the while, there were people who would forget about God and about his power because they couldn't see him. Or maybe because they didn't have a personal relationship with him. So they didn't really know who he was, but only knew about him. They didn't get to live in paradise, so they don't know what life was meant to be like. These were the people born into a corrupted world, so they would do things that were corrupted too. They would build idols of gold and worship them. They would envy and steal from each other, they would hurt each other for personal gains. Then someone would tell them, "Hey, God doesn't want us to hurt each other. Don't you trust him? Don't you know that he will take care of us?". Time and time again, as generations passed from ones who were alive to witness the things God did for them, to the ones who only heard about it from their parents, fewer and fewer people knew God personally.
So what can we do? How are we supposed to fix this? How can we be unseparated so that we can be with God in paradise again? How do we remove this sin barrier, how can we fill this gaping hole? How can we know God......? We don't even know what he looks like, and I'm not sure what to picture in my head either when I think about God. A bright white light surrounding some sort of human-shaped mass???
God sent his son, Jesus to earth. Jesus lived a life sin-free. He obeyed all of God's rules and commandments and loved everyone. Then he died when we killed him and hung him on a cross. But that's the physical body that died. When he died, he volunteered himself to be the sacrifice that could connect us back to God again. His death as a sin-free person was enough to justify our freedom from the punishment of sin. Then he came back to life, defeating death in his spiritual body, and went to be with God (in church, the act of baptism is a symbol of a human dying with Jesus to our life in sin and being revived to a new life, one where we can be with God).
I met a nice lady on the greyhound on my way back to Ottawa one time. She offered me part of her granola bar and that's when we started our conversation. She was from Saudi Arabia and wore a full burqua. After I asked her about what life was like in Saudi Arabia, she asked me if I believed in any religion, and eventually we started talking about the differences between Islam and Christianity. When we got to the problem of sin, she told me that she felt that it wasn't fair that Jesus was allowed to take the punishment of sin for us. She felt that each person should bear the consequences of their own actions and that's that. There was no, "PLEASE, take me instead!!" She said that there was a difference between major and minor sins. For major sins, they were less forgivable and I don't remember what she said about how you could recover from that kind of sin [This website gives the rankings of the major sins, there are 70, but I can't find anything on how to be forgiven for this- let me know if you have the answer]. For minor sins, you could waive the punishment by doing enough good deeds and by repenting (feeling remorse and regret for your actions, and making a conscious effort to stop doing it).
So in both cases, you would sin. Then you would repent. In Christianity, when you repent, you are asking Jesus to take your punishments for you - and there is no difference in level of sin (to God, sin is sin, whether big or small). You still feel remorse and regret for your actions but you also know that Jesus is there to pay the price for what you did. As for the lady, she believed that after you do good deeds and repent then the sin just disappears and the punishment is waived. So there would be no need for Jesus.
I believe that once your sins have been paid for, you have a clean slate. The barrier between you and God is removed, thanks to Jesus. "So if everyone just relied on Jesus to pay the price, then what stops people from sinning more and then repenting?", she asked. I told her that people who knew God wouldn't want to sin anymore. After I realized that God loves me and accepted the offer of Jesus' death in my place for my sins, I didn't want to be separated anymore. I wanted to be closer to him, to know more of who my creator is. I want him to be here in my life, to show me things and teach me how to love people. I wanted to find what my purpose in life is, and to give me the courage to follow that path regardless of what the people who don't know him say. So if sinning means that I would be separated from God, then I wouldn't want to sin, and the fact that Jesus is willing to pay the price for my sin doesn't mean that I want to abuse it. I know that I am not perfect, and even after accepting Jesus as my saviour (saving me from an eternity of separation from God), I will still do things that are harmful to others, and be tempted by the corruption in the world we live in (or, Satan). But instead of living in fear that I missed a prayer or didn't do enough good deeds to outweigh the bad, I am driven by love to live a life worthy of someone that God loves. When I do sin, Jesus is there for me and by strengthening my relationship with God, I can learn to be someone who sins less and loves more.
So for the people who don't know God, he is there. He is real, and there is this broken relationship between you and him. But he loves you, so he wants it to be fixed. He wants you to know him personally - not just to know about him. He wants to be reconciled with you so that you can live with him forever after life in this physical earthly body. I believe that we have a soul (the conscience/essence of me? still working this out), a spiritual body and that our physical bodies are just a shell.
Sometimes when I think about all the new people I meet when I move every four months for school and coop, I wonder about how much time I should invest in getting to know them. If we won't keep in contact eventually after I leave and if we just drift apart then what's the point? Why bother? I will only feel sad and miss them when I leave. But you know, when I think of life in a bigger perspective, when I remember that they also know God and are saved by Jesus, then I have peace in knowing that one day I will see them again. So I try my best to get to know them and develop a relationship that is supportive, loving, and good. Then when we leave our shells and go to where ever God is, we will see God and each other again. We will all be reunited.
The following two videos explain the separation from God and how to fix it. The top is done in the form of typography, the one on the bottom is a rap/spoken word piece if you prefer. Hopefully gives a better picture of what I'm trying to say...
This one is a rap by the guy above with a similar theme to some of the stuff I mentioned in this post. Lyrics here
There are a lot of unsatisfied people in the world. It seems like there is some void that people just can't seem to fill. I went shopping with my parents a few days ago. I was just browsing the sale section in the store my mom was interested in when a lady beside me suddenly said, "This looks good on me right?" I looked around to see who she was talking to - and it was me. I told her, "Yeah, I like that it has pockets. It's always good to have pockets." Then she frowned, staring into the mirror. She then asked, " Do you like this shirt?" to which I responded, "Yeah, I am a fan of polka dots, so I would like it."
The conversation continued like this to the point where she invited me to her change room so she could try on the shirt with different cardigans. Each time, she asked me if I liked it. I said, "Um.. well I won't be seeing you in it... so... if you like it you should get it." I really didn't know who she was and I didn't really care what she wore, or if it looked good on her. I wasn't sure why she was asking me. I have nothing to do with her, why does my opinion matter to her?
I was thinking about this and then I realized that a lot of people aren't satisfied with their lives, always wanting more money, more clothes, fame, etc. But even the wealthiest celebrities who have money and fame aren't happy. So I thought to myself, if I found a solution to this problem, then I would be rich. If there was a way to obtain life satisfaction - I could make millions. Let's take a look at the market: well it seems like everyone wants to be satisfied with their lives. Is there a need? Yes. There are definitely people who are not satisfied with their lives. Hmm... this looks like a good problem to solve, and I believe I have found the solution, at least - for myself.
In design, we are taught to look at the state of the art; what is the current best solution to the problem? If the solution I have isn't better, then it is not worth pursuing. The current best solution for people to get life satisfaction is money, love from friends & family, fame, and accomplishments (awards, records, etc.). The problem with these things is that they are temporary. Money doesn't last forever, and your friends and family aren't perfect - they may not always express enough love to satisfy you.
But what if I told you there was a solution that was self-sustaining? That seems to be the trend right now - aquaponics is a good example of a self-sustaining ecosystem. A self-sustaining solution would mean that you wouldn't need money, fame, nor love from another person.
What does it cost?
This is another key difference from the current solutions - it doesn't cost you anything, unless you want it to. The idea is that you invest your love into the people around you. Making another person happy brings satisfaction to your own life - I see this in my land lady, who was delighted to know that I was starving after my 5 hour bus ride home and had extra food she could feed me. Accepting her help and eating her food made my stomach happy, but it also made her feel happy - she did something good to help another person out and it gives the sense of self-worth.
How is it self-sustaining?
God loves us - he shows this to us through our lives and through the other people who show us love. I see how much God loves me on a personal level when I reflect on my life - the events that happened to me and how each person I met got me to a point where I realized that none of this could have happened coincidentally - since this happens way more than I am aware. For example, I initially wanted to get into mechatronics - a different engineering program. But instead, I got offered Systems Design Engineering, which I found to be much better and I love the program (some of my peers may not agree). I really believe that it is for me now that I think about it and meeting all the people I have met since starting the program (in my class and at the school) have really changed me into the person I am now - someone who has a better understanding of what my life's purpose is and where I am going in my life. I realized that if I had gotten into mechatronics instead then I would probably hate myself and not know what to do with my life. This is just a small example of the many things God has done for me to prove that he loves me.
So first - I have all this love from God that I found by reflecting on my past and the people who have invested their love into my life. I went to visit my friends this weekend and every conversation I had was meaningful and whatever I needed to have resolved was resolved, and I left feeling very satisfied and full of love. It was a spontaneous trip I had been hoping to have for a while (just for fun) and when the opportunity for the travel arrangements arose, I took it - and it just happened to work out that everyone I wanted to see was there, and were free to meet (or made time for me). I hadn't really even put too much thought into why I wanted to go but I just knew that it was something I needed to do. I wish I could share more with you but this is a public post so you can just ask me :P
So I am satisfied now with the love that I have received from God. Then I invest it into someone else. When you give to someone who is in need, you are really giving to Jesus. As a Christian, I believe that God lives in me (we call this the Holy Spirit). When I prayed for forgiveness and for Jesus to save me from my sins, I also invited God to live in me - to change me into someone who is more like him - someone who is more loving.
And God has an unlimited supply of love because he is love, so his love comes back to me again. And it's a cycle! It's funny because God's love is actually still there whether or not I love other people, but when you have the love that God has given you - you just want to share it with others. It's almost as if you want to be part of this whole love cycle, and God is inviting you in.
So that's it! We get satisfaction in life knowing that we are loved by our designer on such a deep level - one where he cares about every aspect of my life, and he shows it all the time. The only thing that stops us from seeing this love is us. We aren't always looking in the right place for love. We need to be more aware of the things that are going on in our lives - to wake up and really look for how God has been and still is present in your life.
What do you have to lose?
Nothing. Since it doesn't cost you anything, you don't lose anything by trying to find God in your life. And God promises that if we look for him with all of our hearts, we will find him. So this is the best investment you could make - you don't need to have money to have life satisfaction. You just need love, and God's love is free for those who want it. Loving others is a byproduct of the love you receive from God, so you will want to give it away when you have it because it is so good. We can all be rich - not with money, but with love.
---------
If you have questions feel free to ask me, and I will do my best to find you answers, be open minded and listen to what you have to say. I know that people don't like it when other people try to "force" their ideas onto others - I don't believe that this works so I won't try to force anything. Thank you for reading.
Sometimes it's easy to overlook the injustice that happens in the world when you only hear about it, and it doesn't happen to you. Sometimes injustice is easy to ignore. We walk past homeless people every day. Sometimes, it is not so hard to ignore. Take the Ottawa shooting for example. My office was in lock-down and it was not so easy to ignore the fact that somebody was roaming around just a few blocks away from me with a gun and the intention to kill. Thinking about this led me to wonder, how do we know if something is unjust? It seems to be that most humans have similar ideas of what is right and wrong (in general). For example, we know that it is wrong to steal, kill, cheat, and hurt other people. We also know that it is right to give money in exchange for goods and services. But how do we know this? Where did the idea of morals come from? Perhaps one way to look at this is to first figure out why we are here. What is the purpose of the human being? Why are we here? I have recently read a book called "Reasons for Belief" by Norman Geisler, and am currently reading a book called "Living with Questions", by Dale Fincher. Some ideas from these books may be reflected in this post, and this is a reflection of my thoughts so far. Some people believe that humans came into existence due to the fact that certain parameters happened to be in the right place at the right time. Through survival and evolution, we became the creatures we are today. However, this would mean that there is no purpose for our life, and we are here because we just are. That still doesn't explain justice - is it a survival mechanism? How does "survival of the fittest" play in if we help people who are hurt? Maybe the people doing the hurting are just trying to stay on top of the game and be the one who "wins" the game of life. Why do we have morals? Did we develop them so that the ones we love will be able to survive even if they are not the fittest? If we came from nowhere and have no purpose, then life has no purpose, and neither does death. Justice is therefore irrelevant, and love is just for selfish gain and procreation. Other people believe that humans came into existence at the will of a creator. Somebody wanted humans to exist, so they made humans. The purpose would be as simple as the fact that someone wanted us here, or there may be something more complicated involving that person wanting us here. Then through survival and evolution, we have adapted to the world we live in and became who we are now. Injustice still occurs (for numerous reasons), but it is different this time because somebody made us so that we can recognize injustice. Why? Why would a creator give us ideas of what justice looks like? Well if I made something, then I probably care about it and want good things for it. In the same way, it is likely that the creator of human beings cares about us and wants us to know that there is a right and wrong way to treat other humans. But there is so much injustice going on, and it seems like we can't stop it. So people hope for change. People hope for justice. Hope is defined by dictionary.com as being, "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best", or as a verb, "to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence". In both of these definitions, it is implied that there is a high likelihood for whatever you hope for to happen. Over the centuries we have tried to bring justices ourselves, but still there are wrongdoings happening in the world - it seems like the best we can do is to stop a situation from getting worse. In the scenario where humans have no purpose, justice for all will never happen because nothing exists that can bring justice. Hope only has meaning when someone who can do something to bring an end to all injustice exists. In the case where people were created for a purpose, then hope can logically exist because a creator that cares will do something if its creation is suffering. So is there hope? Does it make sense to hope? Is there real hope with an answer? In our society of believing what is "true for you" then the answer is maybe. As for me, I choose to believe in the second scenario where there is hope and a creator that can fulfill my hope for justice. However, I also believe that justice is not necessarily beneficial to everyone. This is because justice means that every wrong thing I have ever done will come to light and I will be judged for it - and everyone has done something wrong. We will have no choice but to agree that we are guilty and receive our punishment. So why hope for justice if all will be punished? If we were created for a purpose and the creator cares about us, it is logical that our creator would not want to punish us, and would find a way to save us from punishment without being unjust. So the creator punished Jesus (who did no wrong) in our place so that justice is still observed, and we can be saved by accepting that he died on our behalf. This is why I hope for justice, and with it, accept that somebody loves me enough to die for all the wrong things I have done. ----- An afterthought----- Is Justice Worth It? - an old video about social justice I found in my bookmarks. The word "justice" can branch off into several more specific types. In my post, I mean justice in the broad sense - crime, society. Criminal justice is the one I refer to when I talk about punishment. By "hope for justice", I do not mean that we sit and do nothing. I mean that we do something about this injustice to help the present, but know that there will be an end to it one day - forever.
--- Check out this song: Africa Stop Ebola The song is sung mostly in French with a mix of other African languages. The song was inspired by a bunch of African artists who want to educate their people on how to deal with Ebola. They sing about not touching dead bodies, or the sick, and not being ashamed of it but rather to understand that this is just the current reality. People are told to go to see a doctor if they feel sick and to trust that the doctors can help them. "Ebola, Ebola, invisible enemy" they warn, singing that it is a danger to both the young and old. The song brings hope to people, hope that they will be able to overcome Ebola together.
Some questions I have always dreaded from peers are, "What do you do at church? Why are you Christian? Why do you believe in God?". This may be surprising to you if you know me, but it is the truth. Although I know that there is a God that exists and that I believe in him, there's just something scary about announcing it or talking about it to people. Perhaps it is the fear that they will judge me. I am afraid that they will see me in a different light - one where they think I am trying to convert them and then they question my motives for being their friend. Essentially, I am afraid of people being afraid of me.
Ever since I left my hometown for university, I have not been part of a small group at church. I have joined the campus fellowship but they are not directly connected to a local church. I would still go to church, but it is such a huge church that I feel that I can get away with just being an attendee and receive. I would not participate in any other programs or groups aside from the Sunday service, and my excuse would be that I don't have a ride. The church is far and in the middle of nowhereish. It is very difficult to bus to and even then, there is quite a way's walk to the nearest bus stop.
So come Ottawa. Freaking cold Ottawa and my job is mediocre (ie. low pay, gov job where things are suuuuper slow). I followed my sister's friend to another church. I was happy to just be an attendee again and just go there for Sunday service. However, since I wasn't a student and I didn't live close to any of the campuses, I wasn't able to join a campus fellowship. So here I was, stuck without a Christian community - one that I was so used to having. The thing with having a Christian community is that you're just that - a community. You have friends, and all your social needs can be met. Everyone goes to church and understands Christian jargon, so nobody is going to judge you for that. When I was in university I also lived with Christians for the most part, so there was never anything to explain.
Now in Ottawa, I live with two non-Christians. One of them just came from Iran and I would say that she is probably agnostic, but with some Muslim influence as that is a big part of her culture. The other person I live with had a bad experience growing up in a strict Christian home, where everything was about rules. She told me that she absolutely hated it and resented her family for forcing her to live a certain way.
I didn't mind going to this new church on my own every week. My sister's friend was there, but I didn't want to be in the way of her friendship and make things awkward for her, so I was fine just doing my own thing. However, perhaps she felt obliged to help me out for my sister, and so she welcomed me to join her and her friends to hang out after church and went shopping and got food with me. So that was nice. Her friends encouraged me to go to this event after the service where they introduce new people to existing small groups. At first, I was very hesitant. Yes, I wanted to find a community and be able to share and encourage other people, but I wasn't sure if this was the way to do it. I was never really a big fan of being part of a large church as I thought that it was difficult to get to know people anyway. I also don't like going to social events or meeting people things on my own (unless work related), but I went anyway.
It's pretty smart how they organized it. They asked for your address, and then they had a giant map of Ottawa divided in to colour coded chunks. They would find the colour of the chunk where your address was and from there, you could meet the people who were leading the small groups and choose one that you wanted to join. The beauty of this is that the people in that group would be in your area, so going to small group wouldn't be a problem since everyone is so close. Anyway, I signed up and today was the first time we met up.
Wow. I didn't expect the background to take this long. So basically before I left, one of my housemates came home and was asking me if I was going swimming as I was packing up. I told her no, and that I was going to small group. She didn't know what that was, so I explained that it was a smaller group of people from a big church getting to know each other better. I told her we were doing a study called Love Does, and that I'm not really too sure what we would do but I was going to go find out! She gave a very open response, and said, "Good for you!". I guess she meant that it was good I was trying new things (she is the one who had a bad experience). So that was that.
I went to the small group and we talked about being with someone (like physically present), just like how God is with us (Emmanuel). We talked about how sometimes we have friends who are going through rough times and perhaps are making horrible life decisions. It is hard as a friend to not scold them or try to "fix" them. Sometimes all they need is for you to be there to go through it with them. Really - that's it. It's not about converting people to Christianity and getting all "the Bible says" about something. It's about understanding that people need to go through certain situations to learn things for themselves and there's nothing you can say to them that will make them believe you until they experience it for themselves.
That is exactly what faith is like. It is not something you can force on anyone. It is not something you can tell your friend and then they suddenly decide to believe you and in God. That would probably not be genuine faith. Faith is something every individual has to discover and experience first hand. What Christians can do is to be there for them - to make resources available to them and to live life with them! I used to be afraid of evangelism (telling people that they are saved through Jesus) because I didn't want to be (or be seen as) someone who wanted to "convert" people. I didn't want to seem manipulative, or like I had ulterior motives. So that's why I was so afraid of telling people about Jesus. That's why I was so afraid of the questions, and that's why I would try to dodge the conversation or change the subject every time I felt like it was about to come up. And I felt horrible about it. I felt like I was being an awful Christian (and friend) because it seemed like I didn't want my friends to be saved. But that is not true. I love my friends and I do want them to live eternally, but I put my fears above their lives while trying to deal with the guilt.
So why am I writing this? Today I had an epiphany. A eureka moment. I came home from my small group and chilled in the kitchen, snacking on some homemade salsa while watching funny video clips of Ellen DeGeneres. Suddenly, my other roommate (the Iranian one) came home. As usual we asked each other how our days went, which is usually followed by, "So what did you do today?" - the question I then dreaded. My response came, " Um.. I went to work.. then I came home......andwenttosmallgroup". "What? What's that?", she asked. Now, since she just came to Canada, all the English she knew was from literature. So the term "small group" was definitely not something she could relate to. So I told her that I go to church on Sundays (avoiding "I am a Christian") and that it's really big so they divide people in to small groups to get to know each other. She then asked me what we did there, and I told her that we... just try to get to know each other and support each other in our lives. Which is true, but also very vague and really not helping me feel less guilty. She looked a little confused, and then asked, "I mean.. What is the purpose of this small group?" And so I said the words that suddenly came to me, "We learn to love people. You know how it's really hard to love people sometimes? Well, at small group we tell each other about our lives and try to support one another in loving the people around us. We learn how to love people together".
SO THAT'S IT! I figured it out! Finally - you would have thought that this was a no-brainer. If you ever went to church, everyone there knows and talks about loving people (I hope), how to love people, and that Jesus told us to love one another. But why had I never thought of it so clearly? I have had thoughts where I am telling myself that I need to love people better, but I never put it in the context of sharing this with my friends. I never knew how to relate it (I'm slow, I know) or word it right so that it could be applicable to other people's lives. Maybe I didn't understand it fully myself.
So this is the answer: I go to church to learn to love people.
What about the rules?
I believe that the rules in the Bible are there to give people a starting point to let us know what love does and doesn't look like. Do not steal? Do not kill? How do you love someone by doing these things?
What about Jesus? Who is he to me?
Jesus is the only human to ever live a sinless life - an innocent life full of love for everyone (Matthew 22-25). Jesus spent time healing the sick, casting out demons, and engaged with the poor. He didn't discriminate against the lepers, the outcast, nor the weak. Jesus came to give life and love to people.
So what is a Christian?
I believe that a Christian is a human who realizes that he/she is a sinner. A sinner can be described as someone who is not perfect at loving everyone. A Christian is constantly looking to change into a more loving person. Christians want to know God - we want to know more about our creator. We do this by learning to love - 1 John 4:8 says, "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." A Christian is someone who wants to be like Jesus, because he knows (and is) God.
Why do we go to church?
I feel that Christians realize that they are sinners and want to change. We believe that Jesus was perfect at loving others and we want to learn from him how to do the same. We know that it is impossible to be perfect at loving, but we still want to do our best. So we go to church to learn about how to love together. We believe that one way God speaks to us is through the preacher - who delivers a sermon usually about how we can be better people, better neighbours, etc. based on the Bible. A church also provides a place where like-minded people can gather. It's like chess club; people who want to play chess go to chess club. People who want to learn to more about God go to church.
Why do we need to (or feel like we need to) love others?
The main reason why we want to love other people is because God loved us first. God sent his son, Jesus to earth to teach us how to love.
What the heck?
Because we are incapable of loving perfectly, we killed him. We killed Jesus. By crucifying him - driving nails into his hands and into his feet. We even beat him and mocked him. We didn't know who he was - until he died and the land shook and the curtain in the temple tore. Some people there realized then that he was truly the son of God.
In the Bible, when someone committed a crime or sinned, they would suffer a punishment (Romans 6:23). This punishment is death, because God is perfect, he can not be in the presence of imperfect people. So we would all die and not be able to be with God because we have sin. But God loves us - he loves his creation and wants us to be with him again (recall, Adam and Eve used to live together with God until they sinned by disobeying God and eating the forbidden fruit: Genesis 3).
So basically - we are all technically supposed to be dead and none of us are worthy enough to live with God because we have all sinned in one way or another. However, a good creator would not want his creation to suffer. God wanted us to live eternally with him so he sent a solution - he gave us a way to get out of this predicament. He sent his son Jesus down to save us, to die in our place. In the Old Testament (where you may have heard about people like Moses, or Abraham), people who sinned could be forgiven/cleansed by sacrificing an animal (a healthy, spotless one). Since Jesus was the only person who never sinned, he is the only one who is eligible to be the sacrifice to save us from our sins (this includes everyone - dead or not yet alive). Here comes the famous verse: "For God so loved the world, he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him may not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16)
So that's it. To become a Christian, you start by praying to God; acknowledging that you are a sinful person, that you don't want to be like that anymore, and that you accept that Jesus died on the cross for your sins. (A thank you would probably be good too.)
I don't have all the answers. You can tell by the many years it took me to finally get even this straight. But I would be happy to answer any questions you may have regarding my faith, and if I do not know the answer, maybe we can figure it out together.
