It's 6am and I am awake. I am on a snowboarding trip just before school to make sure that my term starts off right. I've been wrestling with a question for a long time. A question whose answer came to me at this time, although it has not been fully formed. It's annoying that the answer came now because even though I was probably woken up by the alcohol, I can't go back to sleep because I am too excited to share what I have learned. When I asked God to reveal himself to me and when I asked him questions like how I can share my faith to my friends as he tells us to do, I did not expect or want him to come to me with a reply this morning. I wanted to go back to sleep and get the rest needed to spend all day on the slopes, but he will not let me go. So here it is.
In my time in Ottawa, I have been learning that God wants to make himself known to the peoples on this earth. How he wants to do that is apparently through people like me who do not want to go around bothering other people with a message of "you are a sinner but God has done something about it for you" because there is a guy who stands at a corner in downtown Toronto who pops out of nowhere shouting, "Repent!!" and he scares me. I do not want to be that guy. So... why can't God just use someone else and why does he have to bother me?? I do not know. Anyway, I've been going through a study with my small group on the book of Daniel in the Bible. This book is the story of how 4 Israelites were captured by the Babylonians in the time of King Nebuchadnezzar and how they showed the king who God is. It's remarkably similar to how I feel as a Christian living in today's North American society. I am surrounded by people who do not know God but I am inspired by Daniels relationship with God and the courage he has gives me courage.
While in Ottawa, I was also really upset at some people I encountered. People I had to work with, people I lived with, people everywhere. I hate people, sometimes. But even though sometimes I want to curse people who are difficult and punch them, I cannot because my God will not allow me to give up loving them. I started to be more compassionate toward the people who upset me, I tried to understand what was making them the way they were, and somewhere in that process I realized that I'm messed up too. But that's not all. I realized that no matter how badly these people upset me, no matter how much I wanted to hate them, I couldn't. And this is not something that comes from me. I do not want to love anybody who is mean to me or treats me badly. I do not want to care about anyone who doesn't care about me. But these things are not what God wants of me and he makes that very clear when I find myself unable to hate them. Sometimes when I talk to people who do not know God and they don't see him, I want to let them be, and just claim salvation for myself. But I cannot.
When I talk to other people who do not know God, I realize that they do not believe in God simply because they have not met him. This is understandable. I asked myself why I couldn't let go of my faith in Jesus and believe in something else instead - something more convenient and comfortable that does not require me to talk to other people about some god who loves them and seem like a crazy, intolerant, close minded person. But again, I cannot. I cannot turn away from the god that I know because he has my heart. He captivates me and I want to know more. I want to know him better and the closer I get to him the more I find myself changing.
So I do not care anymore. I do not care if you are my friend or my foe. I do not care what sins you have committed, what sexual orientation you have, what colour skin you have, or if you're really annoying. I do not care because the only thing that matters is that you know Jesus.
I do not want to care about spreading the good news about how believing and knowing Jesus will save us from our sins, but I do care. I asked my dad why he believed in God and why this God was more convincing to him than any of the traditional Chinese gods or the ones in Buddisim. The first thing he said was that true Buddisim doesn't have gods and is not a religion. It is a philosophy. Anyway - to not get sidetracked, he told me that when he started to know more about who God is from reading the Bible and talking to people at church, he started seeing how God had been working in his life and how God had been there all along. He has lived through and survived a lot just to come to Canada, marry my mom (who didn't go to church at the time) and find God. My dad says that he didnt know it at the time, but after he met God, he realized how much God had done for him and then trusting God with his heart became something he could do, especially in times of trouble. That's not to say that becoming a Christian will remove all your problems, but it is to say that when problems do come, one can find comfort in knowing that our God and creator loves and cares for us. God is sovereign and he will not leave us empty handed in despair.
So what now? How do I help people to see God? I am not good with words, I am not good at debating, I am afraid of people thinking that I'm delusional or crazy; but I know my God and he gives me the strength to live. He tells me that he is always with me (even when I do not want him around) and that is enough. As I feel God changing my heart, my thoughts and the way I see and treat people in my life, I am content to know that this is my God. The God. This is the God who wants me to live and love others, this is the God who wants me to point him out to those around me, those who have not met him yet - through my life. As my sister once told me, sometimes the only Bible people will ever read is you. So I will live this way. I will listen to the still small voice that tells me not to give up on the people around me, not to hate them, and to keep caring about helping them find Him. My God wants to be made known, and I can not say no to that.
----
"And at times I can't stand you, but stand I must. Love is patient and long-suffering, it's all in your head. [...] At times my own city makes me very upset, but still I haven't gave up on it yet." - Propaganda
No comments:
Post a Comment